there is no better distraction than the following: people. watching your boss/mother-in-law being eaten by a zombie is sort of fun, albeit frightening. because once the zombies are done with them, you're next. i suggest you run as fast as you can.
on a darker note, watching your best friend/true love being eaten by a zombie is quite upsetting and rather horrific, and it's much harder to run when that is the case.
all the same: bodies, dead or alive (sometimes even other zombies work) are wondeful distractions. cats aren't as good as humans, but normally they suffice. dogs are better than cats but less effective than your grandpa. family members work the best, with hated enemies coming in second. goldfish don't work, no matter how dear they are to you. the zombies'll just shove it in their mouth and continue the chase. you just wasted a perfectly good goldfish.
another pretty good distraction is to give them your arm, but only the really desperate people (or the people whose arm was just ripped off) do that.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
weapons
most people don't know what weapons to use when they're attacked by zombies. just a tip: tree branches don't work. don't even bother.
CAMERON'S DICTIONARY OF WEAPONS AND THEIR EFFECT ON ZOMBIES:
oars: oars are good for temporarily fending off the zombies (particularly if you're on a boat, where you can send them soaring into the water), but in the long run, it's about as useful as a tree branch.
knives: knives, to tell you the truth, really aren't much help when it comes to battling zombies. i mean, it's always handy to have a knife in your back pocket (just be careful not to stab yourself when you fall onto your arse) so you can manufacture armour and whatnot. also good for chopping up your best friend and using them as bait, and works wonders for threatening the living. on the dead, however, it's sort of useless.
handguns: guns aren't particularly useful when in combat with walking, grunting, corpses. putting a hole through their head doesn't do much more then make them stumble a bit from the power of the blast. sorry, mate, guns don't work.
fire: fire is a useful tool when fighting zombies. i don't know if you've noticed, but fire burns things until they're reduced to ash. it works with zombies. if you light a zombie on fire, it's as good as dead (most of the time), though it is really intimidating to be chased by a decomposing body with half of his head on fire *shudder*
pointy sticks: what did i say about tree branches?! honestly, a pointy tree branch isn't much better than a not-pointy tree branch.
bombs: bombs, like fire, can be quite useful when attempting to destroy zombies. bombs create an explosion, which normally erupts in a flame-like manner, incinerating everyone within a distance. bombs are good, if you don't mind running as fast as you can, ducking and throwing yourself at the ground, and being rained upon by itsy-bitsy pieces of zombie.
that's all i've got on weapons, but remember: NO BRANCHES
CAMERON'S DICTIONARY OF WEAPONS AND THEIR EFFECT ON ZOMBIES:
oars: oars are good for temporarily fending off the zombies (particularly if you're on a boat, where you can send them soaring into the water), but in the long run, it's about as useful as a tree branch.
knives: knives, to tell you the truth, really aren't much help when it comes to battling zombies. i mean, it's always handy to have a knife in your back pocket (just be careful not to stab yourself when you fall onto your arse) so you can manufacture armour and whatnot. also good for chopping up your best friend and using them as bait, and works wonders for threatening the living. on the dead, however, it's sort of useless.
handguns: guns aren't particularly useful when in combat with walking, grunting, corpses. putting a hole through their head doesn't do much more then make them stumble a bit from the power of the blast. sorry, mate, guns don't work.
fire: fire is a useful tool when fighting zombies. i don't know if you've noticed, but fire burns things until they're reduced to ash. it works with zombies. if you light a zombie on fire, it's as good as dead (most of the time), though it is really intimidating to be chased by a decomposing body with half of his head on fire *shudder*
pointy sticks: what did i say about tree branches?! honestly, a pointy tree branch isn't much better than a not-pointy tree branch.
bombs: bombs, like fire, can be quite useful when attempting to destroy zombies. bombs create an explosion, which normally erupts in a flame-like manner, incinerating everyone within a distance. bombs are good, if you don't mind running as fast as you can, ducking and throwing yourself at the ground, and being rained upon by itsy-bitsy pieces of zombie.
that's all i've got on weapons, but remember: NO BRANCHES
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Where to Go - DOs and DON'Ts
One of the number one problems lately is that people who are trying to escape zombies don't know where to go.
DON'T hide in a falling-to-pieces, rotting, wooden, old shack. The zombies will claw at the walls and punch holes through the roof. If it has a back door, you will most likely escape, but who makes a back door in a shack?
DON'T get on an airplane. You'll think "oh, I'll just fly to Hawaii and then I'll be fine", but this is WRONG! You will be sitting innocently (albeit nervously) on the plane, perhaps ordering a drink or flipping through a magazine or staring into space when a THUMP! will be heard overhead. THUMP! SCRAPE! All the passengers are freaking out: what's going on!? Your heart is racing a mile a minute when CRASH! a moldy, decomposing, bloody, boney hand will break through the airplane window across the isle, sucking the passenger out into the sky. Zombies will clamber in through the hole as the plane quickly zooms down towards the sea below, black smoke spurting out of the back. You might manage to get safely out of the plane, but it's unlikely. You'll probably get eaten.
DON'T get in a canoe/rowboat/motor boat and go out into the middle of the lake. You'll be rowing/steering/taking deep breaths when you're boat will be hit by a BUMP! and will start shaking slightly. You'll look nervously around, telling yourself stupid excuses like "it's just a reef" (yeah, in the middle of the bloody lake!)when a skin-less hand, the flesh slimy from being under water, grabs onto the side of your boat. A face, blood-thirst in it's sunken eyes, will follow the hand. You look around you. Zombies are coming at you from all directions, climbing up onto your boat and grabbing at your ankles. There's no way you'll survive. You're dead, mate.
DO go to the annual 'Fire Fest!' where there will be a HUGE bonfire, fire-jugglers, fire-eaters, a fire-dance, and cake! You'll be standing around eating cake from a paper plate, looking anxiously around. You'll finally tell yourself that the zombies AREN'T COMING and you can just relax. You watch the fire-juggler juggle fire (OooOooohh! AaaAhhH!). You've finally gotten into the mood when over the side of the hill, the zombies approach. Your back is to them, and you don't notice them until you hear a shrill scream from behind you! You whip around and see the zombies making their way towards the party, ripping off tree limbs and swinging them menacingly. People are running in all directions, screaming loudly. The world is a blur. You join in the running, but the zombies are steadily getting closer. One, dragging itself across the ground on its stomach, grabs your ankle, sending you to the ground with a thud. It's teeth sink into your skin and you scream in agony as it drags you closer to it. The roaring bonfire in front of you is giving a mesmerizing, magical side to your death. Then you realize. Although the searing pain in your leg makes it hard to do anything, you grab the zombie's head and pull as hard as you can. It rips off and you throw it into the fire. The body is still moving, grabbing desperately for you as you back away crab-walk-style. The other zombies are moving in on you, they're inches away! You make a run for it, quickly running around the bonfire. The zombies, aiming to pounce on you, pounce instead on the fire. You don't kill them all, but certainly some are out of your way.
DO follow around the guy who seems to be succeeding a lot ever since the zombies first came round, especially if you're a good-looking girl. It's most likely he'll end up defeating the zombies and end it all with a large smoocheroo with you. MWA! You'll stay alive. ...unless, of course, you're killed by the zombies in an epic battle and Mr. Succeed is all upset and ends up either also getting eaten by the zombies, or ends up killing himself.
So there you have it, if the zombies are hungry for your brains, now you know where to go.
DON'T hide in a falling-to-pieces, rotting, wooden, old shack. The zombies will claw at the walls and punch holes through the roof. If it has a back door, you will most likely escape, but who makes a back door in a shack?
DON'T get on an airplane. You'll think "oh, I'll just fly to Hawaii and then I'll be fine", but this is WRONG! You will be sitting innocently (albeit nervously) on the plane, perhaps ordering a drink or flipping through a magazine or staring into space when a THUMP! will be heard overhead. THUMP! SCRAPE! All the passengers are freaking out: what's going on!? Your heart is racing a mile a minute when CRASH! a moldy, decomposing, bloody, boney hand will break through the airplane window across the isle, sucking the passenger out into the sky. Zombies will clamber in through the hole as the plane quickly zooms down towards the sea below, black smoke spurting out of the back. You might manage to get safely out of the plane, but it's unlikely. You'll probably get eaten.
DON'T get in a canoe/rowboat/motor boat and go out into the middle of the lake. You'll be rowing/steering/taking deep breaths when you're boat will be hit by a BUMP! and will start shaking slightly. You'll look nervously around, telling yourself stupid excuses like "it's just a reef" (yeah, in the middle of the bloody lake!)when a skin-less hand, the flesh slimy from being under water, grabs onto the side of your boat. A face, blood-thirst in it's sunken eyes, will follow the hand. You look around you. Zombies are coming at you from all directions, climbing up onto your boat and grabbing at your ankles. There's no way you'll survive. You're dead, mate.
DO go to the annual 'Fire Fest!' where there will be a HUGE bonfire, fire-jugglers, fire-eaters, a fire-dance, and cake! You'll be standing around eating cake from a paper plate, looking anxiously around. You'll finally tell yourself that the zombies AREN'T COMING and you can just relax. You watch the fire-juggler juggle fire (OooOooohh! AaaAhhH!). You've finally gotten into the mood when over the side of the hill, the zombies approach. Your back is to them, and you don't notice them until you hear a shrill scream from behind you! You whip around and see the zombies making their way towards the party, ripping off tree limbs and swinging them menacingly. People are running in all directions, screaming loudly. The world is a blur. You join in the running, but the zombies are steadily getting closer. One, dragging itself across the ground on its stomach, grabs your ankle, sending you to the ground with a thud. It's teeth sink into your skin and you scream in agony as it drags you closer to it. The roaring bonfire in front of you is giving a mesmerizing, magical side to your death. Then you realize. Although the searing pain in your leg makes it hard to do anything, you grab the zombie's head and pull as hard as you can. It rips off and you throw it into the fire. The body is still moving, grabbing desperately for you as you back away crab-walk-style. The other zombies are moving in on you, they're inches away! You make a run for it, quickly running around the bonfire. The zombies, aiming to pounce on you, pounce instead on the fire. You don't kill them all, but certainly some are out of your way.
DO follow around the guy who seems to be succeeding a lot ever since the zombies first came round, especially if you're a good-looking girl. It's most likely he'll end up defeating the zombies and end it all with a large smoocheroo with you. MWA! You'll stay alive. ...unless, of course, you're killed by the zombies in an epic battle and Mr. Succeed is all upset and ends up either also getting eaten by the zombies, or ends up killing himself.
So there you have it, if the zombies are hungry for your brains, now you know where to go.
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